Dave realizes that sometimes social climbing isn’t the best idea… especially when he’s sober.

Dave makes his long awaited return with a classic story of work-related injustice, atrocity, and hopefully… redemption.

Most Halloween scars just wash off.  Not Dave’s.  He wears his on the INSIDE.  Warning: this story contains thongs.

Why George Bush seemed to be such an asshole and what to do if your spirit guide appears to be hungry.

Dave takes direction from directors indirectly.

Editors note: I am not the dude behind the cow.

Welcome back sports fans (or fair warning for the non-fan) to another step in the process with Lucas Koski and me.  This one is becoming stale fast so get in in your oven asap.  We discuss Michael Vick, injuries, and the obvious frustrations of oblong balls.

Dear Dave,

My office building is filled with long narrow halls in which one can see others coming at a fairly significant distance. What is appropriate eye contact protocol for these situations? What distance should I smile or nod at? And what are the general rules about smiling or nodding based on relationship status? How do you know when someone has crossed the line that means you should acknowledge them? Can that status change over time? Like say, I worked with them on a committee for a few weeks, but now it’s been about a year since we’ve talked as individuals. Do I still smile? Or just nod? Or not acknowledge them?

Sincerely,

Shy Eyes in Indiana

Dear Shy Eyes,

Let’s start with what not to do… which is worry about it.  Casual nodding is an imperfect process.  You never know what the opposing party is bringing to the nod.  What was the obscure trail of imagined causality that swept their Chipotle-stuffed selves into your hallway? We can only hazard a guess.  If someone get slighted by your shy eyes… it is most likely their deal.  Some supervisors will become petulant if a smile/nod is left out and they feel like they have only underlings and no friends.  Smile and nod at others and they will think they are surrounded by ass kissers and still utterly alone in their increasingly hollow financial success.  Such is life. There is a dark side that must be transcended.

However, things like the nuanced no eye contact high-five could bring bountiful gifts of karmic pleasure.

Here is a mostly inclusive “rule”.

The smile/nod/hello should be delivered inversely based on level of intimacy with the participant.

People you remember but barely know should get the full eye contact, beaming smile, combined with sweet and verbally resonant “Hi” or “Hello” or “Good Morning” (Never say “have a great weekend” because the reason you don’t see them regularly may be because they work on weekends.  If you say “Have a great weekend” to a Saturday employee they will immediately classify you as a blood thirsty fascist). The classic honey-dripped hello will always make both parties warmly invigorated.  The scant acquaintance will think you are an observant and considerate co-worker for remembering them. You will expand your connection to the soul of the collective.  More of its resources will become available to you.

People that are occasional players in your work game are more complicated.  You never engage with each other. They have some job you could never personally imagine doing, but they have to walk by you desk on a bi-weekly basis. Awkwardness is their constant companion. Here is what you do. Never force the eye contact… let them look at their cell phone on the pass by if it is going to happen. However, if you feel their icy stare on the back of your neck, be ready for the 75% sincere and elongated “Hey-ey”.  They aren’t frequent enough to be ignored to but too frequent to endure consistent waves of warmth and compassion.  The best solution is for both parties to exchange non-verbal indications of pleasant busyness or if necessary… the false frantic/swamped.  Let’s face it. If you both liked each other enough to get a beer after work you wouldn’t be in this position would you?  WARNING: Whatever you do… don’t start some kind of free-form conversation.  Trust the weirdness of the vibe.  Especially if your employer has a loose policy on background checks.

You can treat work friends however the fuck you want to.  They are your friends right? Say nothing or tell them that you dreamt of giant cat sentinels that spoke in shapes and colors.  This is your safe place fora  stream of consciousness anecdotal mind gym.  Blow them away with witty pop culture observations and immature fart noises. This could also be the place to seemingly ignore, continue with your simultaneous sales call/email war/chair yoga, and then get that swift crisp no look high-five.  They won’t be in style forever… best clap the contorted hands of modern consumption while we can.

The above is my actual “advice.” Below you will find….

What Dave Actually Does:

1) Worries the implications of meaningless personal interactions constantly.

2) Carries a bag of intensely charming anecdotes that allows people to really like him but never actually know him.

3) Believes that the smile/nod issue is one of the many inherent dilemmas of an overworked culture obsessed with an unholy perversion of success.

Here to help,

Dave Good

Gambling and Drinking and Bears! Oh My!

If you’re looking for a connecting theme here… your guess is as good as mine. We start with a dirty joke, follow with another harrowing anecdote from sinister St. Louis, and wrap up with Part One of Dave’s obsession with No Limit Hold ‘em.

This may actually be some kind of coming of age story.  I apologize in advance.